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Dan’s hilarious ‘Frozen’ inspired parody ‘Let It Go, Chicago’
I love this so much!
I would totally much rather live here than in new york.
Romantic Root Canals
I got to the dentist’s office at the same time he did.
There wasn’t anyone on the street and it was still dark outside.
This is what happens when you schedule appointments at 6am on a Friday morning.
You kinda forget is valentine’s day, you just want the pain in your mouth to go away.
I didn’t recognize him. Which is funny. I have a different memory of him in my head. More like a sitcom dad.
We got inside, I sat in the chair and opened my mouth.
Cavity in one tooth, chipped filling in the other. Shame.
One xray later and it’s official, “you’re going to need a root canal,” he tells me.
It takes four or five shots before I stop feeling pain.
About an hour later he tells me I’m done for the day. He prescribes antibiotics and Vicodin and schedules me for an appointment to finish up on the 1st.
By the time I got to work I still couldn’t feel my tongue.
The origin story, or how I became a raging travel-craving maniac
I love origin stories and I especially love this one.
I was sixteen, living in a tiny Midwestern town and determined to go to Europe. I didn’t have money and in that rural environment, received no encouragement from my friends or teachers. Nonetheless, I researched relentlessly until I learned about the Rotary Club International’s Rotary Youth Exchange program, which funds and facilitates international student travel. After making a (perhaps not entirely sincere) presentation to the Rotarians about how I wanted to be an ambassador of friendship to promote international peace, the Rotarians agreed to sponsor me and in short order a Dutch host family was found for me. I was to spend the summer with an English-speaking family in Amsterdam. Bliss!
And then, about two weeks before I was to leave, I received devastating news: my Dutch family had cancelled, and unfortunately my trip was cancelled too. I feel sorry for those nice people at the Rotary club, because…
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coffee
I told you dirty jokes until you laughed.
“It’s been shitty,” you told me.
So I told you the one about the Pope doing a crossword.
“Stop me if you know it. So, the Pope is doing a crossword,” I laugh, “and then and then um,” I’m not very good at telling jokes, but you listen anyway, “oh! And he goes ‘but there’s only four letters in cunt!'”
I messed that up. I always get to the punchline to soon, but you laugh. And that’s the point.
I do anything to make you laugh.
“Wanna hear another one?”
I tell him the one involving a doctor and the wife of a politician.
But halfway through I forgot the punchline.
“You’re not very good at telling jokes.” He tells me. “But I still like you.”
“Guess I’m not going to be a stand up comic like I wanted.” I tell him.
“So what are you going to do with your life now?”
“I think I’ll finally join the circus.”
“Lion tamer?”
“Exactly.”
We both laugh.
“So what happened?” I ask him. I put the tiny percolator on the stove and turn it on.
“When?” He goes to the fridge and pulls out a gallon of milk.
“Grab the small sauce pan from the cupboard.” I tell him. “And I dunno, you said it’s been shitty. I’m asking why?”
“Oh.” He set the pan on the stove and poured in enough milk for both of us. “Doesn’t matter anymore.”
He smiles at me and turns the heat on and sets it on high.
“Are you feeling ‘not shitty’ now?” I hand him a whisk. “Make the milk extra frothy.”
“Of course. I’m with you.” He starts to whisk the milk as it heats up.
I groan. “Stop falling in love with me. You know I’m saving myself for Johnny Depp.” I stick my tongue out at him.
“I’m sorry to tell you, but that ship has sailed.”
“Are you saying that Johnny Depp will never fall in love with me?”
“I’m saying I’ve already fallen in love with you.”
The espresso finishes percolating and I cannot bring myself to look at him.
The Secret Life of Pandas 